Bread makes you fat

By Nick • Lifestyle • 9 Jul 2012

I was pretty shocked too, but goddammit I just can’t argue with super hot blue haired girls who deliver amazon packages on rollerblades and can find tunnels in space-time. It’s not how I was raised.

So I accept it. Bread makes me fat.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop eating it though. Hot fresh bread with generously thick slabs of butter pasted over the top…. maaarglearglemargle. Give that up? No. The Atkins diet is for saps. I’m a fan of the Fatkins diet. But it’s not always easy. This post explains why.

In Switzerland they make four kinds of bread.

There’s sweet, buttery breakfast breads, which are almost more like loafs of pastry; giant toastable croissants.

Then there’s boring plastic wrapped precut bread which (in its high grain variants) is acceptable at a pinch, but not really good as such.

Then there’s useless, dogshit, good for nothing scum bread.

Then there’s the ‘Twister’, which is basically the single most compelling case for the acceptance of humanity into the league of progressive and culturally accomplished species.

Really. If Aliens landed on Uetliberg and I was selected to go and establish positive diplomatic relations with them I would take a couple of fresh loaves of Twister, a picnic blanket, and some nicely salted butter. And a knife – I’ve made sandwiches with business cards before and it’s just not the same.

Partake in the bounty of our planet, learned ones.

Job done, they’ll be begging to trade us hyperspace transducers and advanced virtual reality plugins for internet smut before they’ve finished the first mouthful. Being noble I will, of course, hold out for world peace and clean energy… but being a guy I’ll take the VR gear as a deal sweetner.

The problem with this plan is that it’ll only work if they time their arrival so that my request to act as emissary arrives around 6.45pm, allowing me to drop by Migros Enge at 6.55pm on my way to the spaceship. Because that’s apparently the only time of day they actually sell the Twister. It’s also pretty much the only place.

In the morning you can’t buy it – mornings are for sweet bread, and this is Switzerland, and there are Rules. For the rest of the day (outside Nirvana-hour) you’re limited to either plastic wrapped averageo bread, or useless-dogshit-good-for-nothing-bread. Which I’d probably settle for (NO one wants to arrive at a picnic with non-fresh bread) and we’d be ostracized henceforth.

So, Migros, for the sake of humanity please start making Twister bread all the time. Why do you even make other bread? I mean ok, sweet bread in the morning for the French. Fine. But why the other bread? WHY? Who wants that shit? Is it a waste product from the manufacture of good bread? It must be. Either that or a waste product from animals after they’ve been fed the waste products from the manufacture of good bread.

It makes me sad whenever I arrive and discover they don’t have Twister. But when they have it, I buy it by the armload. Because bread doesn’t make you fat. It just makes you fatter than you might have been if you didn’t come home from work and eat an entire loaf of it because it was so delicious. For example.

What makes you fat is sitting at your computer the whole time, and not going for a run because you’re busy writing blog posts that are far too long. Since I don’t want to stop eating bread, and I don’t want to get on the wrong side of sassy-blue-hair, I’ll finish here.

3 Responses

  1. Yes! Exactly! I’ve been seriously dieting for two months and have lost zero kilos. That’s because I refuse to give up the bread. I do, however, cut it with credit cards, pizza box edges, and spoons – no need to be all French about it.

  2. I think you forgot to mention something crucial which explains your addiction to Twister bread: there is no real bread in New Zealand. Kiwi bread is square and comes in plastic bags… I call that TOAST.

    Lucky your mum makes delicious bread :-)

    Oh, and sweet bread is not for the French. We have brioche which tastes way better but we don’t eat it like bread, we have baguette, remember?

  3. holmeswoodfarm

    Very pleased with the acknowledgement about my bread making skills. I will hone then before you arrive.